jchats

Moustache

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 23:16:53 -0500

JB- hey

J- yo

JB- briefly remind me that a mustache would look terrible on me

J- a moustache would most likely look terrible

on you

JB- thank you

The Witness

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 15:56:03 -0400

U-   I just had [redacted] knock on my door asking for people who know me and say I’m a good guy (Generally looking for parents in the area). Can I put down your guys’ parents/addresses?

J- Sure!

[redacted]

However, this is also a great opportunity to take advantage of my *premium* services as a PROFESSIONAL CHARACTER WITNESS. This limited time offer gives you access to my full range of products offered, including 

-stories about how you saved babies/shelter puppies from burning buildings

 -heartfelt anecdotes from our youth 

-not mentioning all those illegal things that you did  

Call within the next 5 minutes and you can get in on this INCREDIBLE OFFER for only 12 easy payments of $9.95 (plus shipping and handling. Federal, state, and municipal taxes are not included. Some restrictions may apply. Product is not available in Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands or Guam.) 

Alliteration

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 15:09:00 -0400

J- all ARs accept alliteration as awesome
but bothered brothers begin bashing boring bookmarklets
can cooperation coalesce collective curmudgeoning?

AR- hahaha
don’t dissuade dingbat dissent!
even evasive enterprises eventually end!
funderwhelming factions fight fraud

J- god, good gentlemen gentrify gaping galleries
hating hedonism, he hastily hacks his home’s honor
i’m impressed inside

AR- joking, J jests

J- knowing kids, killing kindness

AR- lamentably, let’s leap left

J- my misses, masterfully maneuvering management

AR- no, nonetheless naysayers never not naysaying

J- offices opine our otiosity

AR- pointless pandering places poor Peteple

J- quick question: Queensboro quiet?

AR- rattling relentlessly

J- surely someone shushes?

AR- tirelessly treading tranquilly they talk
urgently, under useless umbrellas

J- verily, viewing violent virtuosos vacates

AR- why won’t we wobble wealthily?

J- you ‘Yorkers yap yesterday’s yore yonder your years!

AR- zealous, zip zap zuzz

Pronouns

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:09:51 -0500

J- I disagree with your friend.

AR- He’s not my friend.

He’s… a dick.

J- I disagree with your dick then.

Vegetables

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 10:15:06 -0500

JO- I mean, vegetables are nice to look at, but they’re not food. They’re like, garnish.

BS- So you just constantly eat meat?

JO- It’s not that I like eating meat. In fact, when I eat meat, I’m eating animals that eat vegetables, so it’s like I’m avenging the vegetables.

J- I guess you have to eat BS [vegan] then.

BS- You want to eat me JO?

JO- …

(earlier)

JO- Whoever makes the best innuendo wins.

The Unfunny Joke

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:10:06 -0500

J- I had this thought the other day, isn’t it kind of ironic that the word “adjective” is a noun?

JS- What?

J- You know… like… I feel like we should be calling words “adjective-y” when they describe things, instead of saying that the words are adjectives…

JS- …How is that ironic?

J- uhm… because… you might think that it’s actually an adjective and not a noun.

JS- …

Ok.

Hashtags

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 10:05:05 -0500

CG- hahahahha i thiink hashtags are so funny

#victory

#humor

J- #getatwitter

Cleaning, part 2

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:19:03 -0500

J- how bad was it

SW- Omg I had a panic attack and had to go upstairs.

I had to splash cold water on my face and grow a pair of huge hairy balls before returning to.. it

There were not piles, but MOUNTAINS of dead bugs

Nothing was without cobwebs

omg

it was

awful

just terrible

The King

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:57:00 -0500

JO- Why are you shivering randomly like that?

J- Seriously man?…

you’re like the king of random movements.

JO- I know, that’s why I’m upset.

You’re encroaching on my territory.

MNF

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:54:21 -0500

AR- yoO

what is MNF?

many nasty farts

J- wow how did you guess

AR- haha I have a knack I guess

gnack?

knack?

J- knack.

AR- hahah right.

wait I was going to keep typing other permutations until you replied

J- oh I do apologize

please continue

AR- hmm I’m thinking of good ones

may never frack

moms nebulous fraud

my negligent fern

mysteriously nuptial fish

J- hmmmm very creative!

AR- haha thenks

J- misanthropic nonplussed fibulators?

AR- hahaha that’s it.

myriad-of nyan-cat fuzz

no… that’s it.

J- yes.

or,

http://www.google.com/search?&q=MNF

The Fence

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:38:31 -0500

J- That’s a new fence.

AR- Is it?

J- Yep.

AR- It’s a pretty intensive fensive.

J- What?

AR- It’s an offensively intensive fensive.

J- Where did the last -ive come from?

AR- …

I don’t know…

Welcome Home

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 11:27:50 -0400

SW- We’ve got some scalding-jelly waiting for you

J- I can’t wait to spill it on my body.

Judgement

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:07:41 -0400

RB- J, why didn’t you bring your girlfriend today?

J- I dunno, she has class.

Also, you know, your death threats….

Cleaning

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 01:46:53 -0400

SW- What would you like me to do with the digital blue microscope, your nerf guns (especially the huge one), the remote control submarine, and the usb missile launcher?

J- Save all of them.

The Apology

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 01:34:08 -0400

J- SE, RB, just wanted to apologize again for dropping you guys on the roof in retaliation for SE spraying beer in my eye. My bad.

Also, that was one of the best texts I’ve ever written.

RB- Hahhaha no big J. Its forgotten until next time I wanna see u squirm :P

Pizza

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 01:31:18 -0400

SW- What do you want on ya pizza

Text me when you’re on the [redacted] memorial bridge

J- ANCHOVIES

Jk. Mushroom

SW- DK?

J- MUSHROOM

SW- Nigs tell me when you’re on the [redacted] memorial

J- MMMMMMUUUUUUUuuuuSSSSSsssshhhhhrrrooooooOOOOOM

Jk anchovies

SW- Yo you’re getting mushroom pizza so stfu

J- I refuse to eat any foods without anchovies

SW- Bring me a choco taco

J- We are on the [redacted] mushroomial bridge

SW- FUck offfff

J- An’cho vie’ing a little inappropriate?

SW- Nigga nigga nigga

Miles

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 01:16:16 -0400

J- i have 4,679 miles on Delta

which is theoretically just enough for LAX

but in reality you can never book it in a way that gives you what the mileage actually says

AR- ah stupid miles.

(haha Miles. a person)

who will jet pilot you to LAX

if you give him all of your frequent flyer points

but he’s rippingg you off!

muahahaa

J- what a dick!

AR- I know!

shoot his face!

wait… dont do that

J- i think i’ll just give him an angry look

AR- Miles could imaginarily kick you in the nuts

if you imaginarily shot him in the face

J- stop imagining him as being really mean

AR- hahaha okay, maybe he’s just a nice small business man trying to get by

who really doesn’t want to rip you off but his parent company is twisting his arm

oh and he’s pretty short too

and balding a little

and he wears very square glasses

with no frames

his real name is Marvin

but he thinks Miles will give him an edge with the ladies

Bagels, part 2

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 01:10:00 -0400

JB- You know youre in for a good semester

SE and I are talking about bagels.

J- i’m pretty jealous

i want bagels

JB- They are only for us.

Deal with it

J- completely unfair

JB- Cool people get bagels

J- i’m eating like 7 bagels right now

JB- Lies, damn lies

J- i got lox bagels, gefilte fish, knishes

even some challah bread

JB- we have marble rye and whitefish salad

Bagels, part 1

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 01:08:03 -0400

SE- hey

JB and I have cog sci!!!!

J- oh man

i might have to switch into that

just for the sheer awesomeness

and for the bagels

SE- YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!

J- soooo many bagels

SE- eat a bagel

J- like, at least 3

Bread, part 3

Sat, 30 Jul 2011 00:39:17 -0400

JQ- Where’s my breeeeaaad?

J- um

in my room…

JQ- I thought u were going to concert?

J- i did

just got back

JQ- Ure back already

omg

J- ?

JQ- I’m still out

Dinner…

J- at dinner??

JQ- I know

Bread!!!!