November 2012
1 post
1 tag
Moustache
JB- hey
J- yo
JB- briefly remind me that a mustache would look terrible on me
J- a moustache would most likely look terrible
on you
JB- thank you
August 2012
1 post
1 tag
The Witness
U-
I just had [redacted] knock on my door asking for people who know me and say I’m a good guy (Generally looking for parents in the area). Can I put down your guys’ parents/addresses? J- Sure!
[redacted]
However, this is also a great opportunity to take advantage of my *premium* services as a PROFESSIONAL CHARACTER WITNESS. This limited time offer gives you access to my full range...
July 2012
1 post
1 tag
Alliteration
J- all ARs accept alliteration as awesome but bothered brothers begin bashing boring bookmarklets can cooperation coalesce collective curmudgeoning?
AR- hahaha don’t dissuade dingbat dissent! even evasive enterprises eventually end! funderwhelming factions fight fraud
J- god, good gentlemen gentrify gaping galleries hating hedonism, he hastily hacks his home’s honor i’m...
December 2011
8 posts
1 tag
Pronouns
J- I disagree with your friend.
AR- He’s not my friend.
He’s… a dick.
J- I disagree with your dick then.
1 tag
Vegetables
JO- I mean, vegetables are nice to look at, but they’re not food. They’re like, garnish.
BS- So you just constantly eat meat?
JO- It’s not that I like eating meat. In fact, when I eat meat, I’m eating animals that eat vegetables, so it’s like I’m avenging the vegetables.
J- I guess you have to eat BS [vegan] then.
BS- You want to eat me JO?
JO- …
...
1 tag
The Unfunny Joke
J- I had this thought the other day, isn’t it kind of ironic that the word “adjective” is a noun?
JS- What?
J- You know… like… I feel like we should be calling words “adjective-y” when they describe things, instead of saying that the words are adjectives…
JS- …How is that ironic?
J- uhm… because… you might think that it’s...
1 tag
Hashtags
CG- hahahahha i thiink hashtags are so funny
#victory
#humor
J- #getatwitter
1 tag
Cleaning, part 2
J- how bad was it
SW- Omg I had a panic attack and had to go upstairs.
I had to splash cold water on my face and grow a pair of huge hairy balls before returning to.. it
There were not piles, but MOUNTAINS of dead bugs
Nothing was without cobwebs
omg
it was
awful
just terrible
1 tag
The King
JO- Why are you shivering randomly like that?
J- Seriously man?…
you’re like the king of random movements.
JO- I know, that’s why I’m upset.
You’re encroaching on my territory.
1 tag
MNF
AR- yoO
what is MNF?
many nasty farts
J- wow how did you guess
AR- haha I have a knack I guess
gnack?
knack?
J- knack.
AR- hahah right.
wait I was going to keep typing other permutations until you replied
J- oh I do apologize
please continue
AR- hmm I’m thinking of good ones
may never frack
moms nebulous fraud
my negligent fern
mysteriously nuptial fish
J- hmmmm very...
1 tag
The Fence
J- That’s a new fence.
AR- Is it?
J- Yep.
AR- It’s a pretty intensive fensive.
J- What?
AR- It’s an offensively intensive fensive.
J- Where did the last -ive come from?
AR- …
I don’t know…
October 2011
1 post
1 tag
Welcome Home
SW- We’ve got some scalding-jelly waiting for you
J- I can’t wait to spill it on my body.
September 2011
7 posts
1 tag
Judgement
RB- J, why didn’t you bring your girlfriend today?
J- I dunno, she has class.
Also, you know, your death threats….
1 tag
Cleaning
SW- What would you like me to do with the digital blue microscope, your nerf guns (especially the huge one), the remote control submarine, and the usb missile launcher?
J- Save all of them.
1 tag
The Apology
J- SE, RB, just wanted to apologize again for dropping you guys on the roof in retaliation for SE spraying beer in my eye. My bad.
Also, that was one of the best texts I’ve ever written.
RB- Hahhaha no big J. Its forgotten until next time I wanna see u squirm :P
1 tag
Pizza
SW- What do you want on ya pizza
Text me when you’re on the [redacted] memorial bridge
J- ANCHOVIES
Jk. Mushroom
SW- DK?
J- MUSHROOM
SW- Nigs tell me when you’re on the [redacted] memorial
J- MMMMMMUUUUUUUuuuuSSSSSsssshhhhhrrrooooooOOOOOM
Jk anchovies
SW- Yo you’re getting mushroom pizza so stfu
J- I refuse to eat any foods without anchovies
SW- Bring me a choco taco
...
1 tag
Miles
J- i have 4,679 miles on Delta
which is theoretically just enough for LAX
but in reality you can never book it in a way that gives you what the mileage actually says
AR- ah stupid miles.
(haha Miles. a person)
who will jet pilot you to LAX
if you give him all of your frequent flyer points
but he’s rippingg you off!
muahahaa
J- what a dick!
AR- I know!
shoot his face!
wait…...
1 tag
Bagels, part 2
JB- You know youre in for a good semester
SE and I are talking about bagels.
J- i’m pretty jealous
i want bagels
JB- They are only for us.
Deal with it
J- completely unfair
JB- Cool people get bagels
J- i’m eating like 7 bagels right now
JB- Lies, damn lies
J- i got lox bagels, gefilte fish, knishes
even some challah bread
JB- we have marble rye and whitefish salad
1 tag
Bagels, part 1
SE- hey
JB and I have cog sci!!!!
J- oh man
i might have to switch into that
just for the sheer awesomeness
and for the bagels
SE- YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!
J- soooo many bagels
SE- eat a bagel
J- like, at least 3
July 2011
4 posts
1 tag
Bread, part 3
JQ- Where’s my breeeeaaad?
J
J- um
in my room…
JQ- I thought u were going to concert?
J- i did
just got back
JQ- Ure back already
omg
J- ?
JQ- I’m still out
Dinner…
J- at dinner??
JQ- I know
Bread!!!!
1 tag
Bread part 2
JQ- when r u leaving for boston?
J- tomorrow morning probably
maybe afternoon
JQ- wat!
then u can come to karaoke
J- wat?
JQ- and can give me my bread back
J- but I have concert
JQ- BAH
J- i dunno
whens karaoke
JQ- BAD
7:30
J- if you are there for a while maybe I will make a cameo
JQ- with bread?
J- <_<
JQ- hahaha
J- youre just in this for the bread!
JQ- u can just eat my...
1 tag
Bread part 1
JQ- Omg did I leave my bread????????????
I was already sleeping and woke up suddenly cuz I felt sad
Omgomg breeeeaaaadddd
J- no idea
its dark
i’ll look in the morning
JQ- T___T
I left it…
J- [redacted] is sleeping
can’t turn on the light….
JQ- Lol I def left it
feels so empty
and sad…
Breaad :(
[JQ signed off]
1 tag
The Clique
J- K, this is really random but I’m hanging out with people from [redacted] and quite literally all the weird shit you said they did, has happened.
K- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
K- I just woke up and saw your text again and it’s even funnier bahahaha
May 2011
5 posts
1 tag
Dino's
?1- we just threw you a softball… a teeball… I put a ball on a tee…
?2- it’s a softball every night if i want it. it’s not fun after a while.
?1- give her a call… She’s polish!
?2- No.
?1- I heard you couldn’t get it up.
?2- You know what, she’s a dirty little whore, and I don’t want to get it up.
1 tag
The Drug Test
?- OK, put all your personal possessions in the box… sign the form here… pick a testing kit…
J- Do you have any water?
?- No, you should have come prepared.
J- …
Seriously?
?- You’re like the third person today.
1 tag
The Farm
SS- Are you going out tonight?
J- I’m out…on a farm
SS- So that’s a maybe?
Lol
J- No, I’m actually at a farm
1 tag
The Homework
J- did you give up on the HW
JB- yup
J- looks like i’m going solo on this one then
JB- yeah, sorry man
J- nah I got this
it all completely makes sense to me
JB- wait really?
J- yes!
no
JB- no, right?
J- …..no.
1 tag
The Lecture
U- is it an entertaining class to get drunk in
/large enough for the professor not to notice me
J- maybe to both
how much do you know about semiconductors
U- those are the guys on trains who are like second in command to the conductor right?
J- yes
ok good
you’ll fit right in
U- yes!
April 2011
37 posts
1 tag
A, The Finale
CG- J i have erred
greatly
J- ?
CG- after [redacted] party A took me home and i kissed her and now
she’s asking me out to a date on saturday
J- LOL
1 tag
The All-Nighter
(this conversation took place at 4:36 AM)
J- JB and I are pulling a “C” tonight
C- lol
YAY
what does that mean
lol
all nighter in studio?
are u guys in [art building]?
jk
and listening to frat music?
haha
J- ok, not quite
our variant is all nighter in [engineering building] listening to the Tron soundtrack
C- LOL
inception soundtrack man
[link to inception theme]
dont...
1 tag
The Course Suggestion
J- Actually I was thinking about taking [redacted] next semester.
Y- Oh, it’s not a bad class.
J- Is it a lot of work?
Y- Not really. Except the labs are really long
J- I hate labs…especially long ones
Y- Also you’ll probably take it with a bunch of grad students.
J- Ok
Y- Also, the professor is really bad.
J- Oh…
1 tag
The Racist
J- Seriously though I antagonize indiscriminately
R- Me too. Oh man, you guys should have heard that thing I said about the jews that one time… oh man that was racist…
JB- seriously, you don’t want to hear it
R- It wasn’t really anything offensive about the jews, just me showing how ignorant I am
… (later)
R- I didn’t say anything bad about them, not one...
1 tag
Impatient
BS- boo
J- SEND IT TO ME RIGHT NOW
BS- http://www.[redacted]
…
J- THANK YOU
1 tag
The Zinger
J- I think [the dog] is afraid of SB.
T- I’d be afraid of you too if I were little and cute.
SB- Which you’re not.
1 tag
The Pit
J- hey uh
how do you do the Q predictions stuff….
SI- come on down and we can help!
J- never!
SI- :(
But we have answers……
J- are there even 2 chairs
SI- yes.
1 tag
The Sports Analogy
G- and after doing things that would typically make a comp run faster, it only slows down more
its hammer time.
J- give it a break dude
by that I mean rest
not break as in break it
G- do you really think the reason its running like such ass is because of the heat?
i do
everyday
J- what heat?
the Miami heat?
G- i give it 2 hour breaks and i dont leave it on at night
i totally blame...
1 tag
The Idea
U- I need to figure out how to rig a gong to post the message “#ding” onto a twitter account when struck with it’s mallet. I have no idea how to do this, any ideas?
DK- uh…
J- I’m assuming underpants gnomes are involved in some form?
P- well you’ve come to the right place. J, DK and I have countless years of Even More Contraptions experience. Just get me a...
1 tag
The Party
SS- Are you guys still at [redacted]?
J- Yed
SS- I’m headinf there now
J- K
SS- Itys fucking “closed” the fucking party is closed what bullshit
Are you guys leaving [redacted]? I’m assuming since everyone is vacating the building
J- Npo
SS- Ok. Fuck i’m out here then. Until I can find another party. Fucking security won’t even let me in to the living room
1 tag
Man Points
SE- Hey are you coming to the [redacted] party?
J- Nope I’m in scranton atm
SE- Oh lame
J- Lol sorry. Hope its a good one
SE- Lame
J- At least I didnt lose any man points…
SE- Minus one point
J- shit!
1 tag
The Tumblr
J- G
G- Jjjjjjjjj
J- big news
G- whats up
J- i have started a tumblr and i have selected you to be the first member of my trial focus group
you may not appreciate its extremely dry humor
[redacted]
G- thats what she said .. but about her vagina
J- ok, thats tumblr-worthy
1 tag
The Confrontation
L- Hey,
Hope you’re doing well. I was just recently looking at my bank account and I noticed a recurring charge from a website called [redacted] (or something like that) that I didn’t recognize. I called my bank and subsequently talked to someone from that company and they said that there have been several charges on my card since 2009.
…
If you know anything about this...
1 tag
Adult Supervision
SB- So there’s like a threesome going on in the back seat…
J- I like the way your response to manage the crisis is to text T…you gotta go break that up…
SB- Right. So we get back, and I really need a drink, so I go to… what’s that Irish place?
T- Brodies.
J- Right, Brodies.
SB- Brodies. So I’m texting T, and I have a couple drinks, and when the...
1 tag
The Overachiever
T- well i just figured out that i have more hours of work to do in a week
then there are hours in a week
so that is going to be difficult to balance this semester
J- wow
you have officially reached the limits of absurdity in being busy
T- oh yeah
loving it!
J- well, you’re beyond help then
T- yeah
im learning to say no
J- with time and professional help, i’m sure you will...
1 tag
The Strategy Session
J- whats an alternative wording
EB visas?
acronym?
K- marcuse hates those
they lead to facism
J- also 5 years = gregorian time
not sure about that
K- no its not
5 years isnt measured by greogian calander if we say its not
its lunear years
or chinese years
w/e
J- oh yeah
right
phew
1 tag
A, The Argument
J- ok, forget it
A- You’ve already pushed me into a conundrum. Consider your job half done.
J- as i said, impossible
A- Well, getting pissy about it really is helping your cause
J- Not pissy :-)
A- (What on earth was the Urugagy Round…)
J- WTO round of trade talks before Doha
A- Why Uruguay?
J- likely held in uruguay
well, enjoy your victory, I’m going to bed
A- I...
1 tag
The Ceremony
J- lol I think JB is being [redacted] into [redacted]
come listen
R- kk
J- damn it’s over
wtf? robes and candles?
R- secrecy
J- they suck at it
I heard everything they said
1 tag
The Morning After
J- spent half of it at a friend’s party, other half spent drinking/studying with study group
so half lame
SK- was the drinking lame?
J- nah, but the fact that I had to do work on a friday kind of was
SK- [redacted]
J- lol shhh
my priorities are completely straight, thank you very much
SK- mhm
1 tag
The Mental Image
J- looks pretty damn good for “horrible”
SK- …
whaaa
J- think of it this way
me horrible is a terrifying man-beast that makes small children run into hiding
SK- I WANT TO SEE THAT
1 tag
The Miracle
J- incredible news
JB- ?
J- i….
cleaned…..
out the sink
JB- HOLY FUCK
you are a god among men
1 tag
A, The Euphemism
J- good luck with the paper
A- it’s just the statement :)
and it’s already causing me so much headache
(I knew I shouldn’t have tried to convince two guys to do sex trafficking with me.)
Wow that just came out sounding really wrong…
J- yes, it did
A- Pretend you don’t know anything about my shady dealings!
Though if you ever need anything…;)
(I take...
