Moustache
JB- hey
J- yo
JB- briefly remind me that a mustache would look terrible on me
J- a moustache would most likely look terrible
on you
JB- thank you
The Witness
U-
I just had [redacted] knock on my door asking for people who know me and say I’m a good guy (Generally looking for parents in the area). Can I put down your guys’ parents/addresses?
J- Sure!
[redacted]
However, this is also a great opportunity to take advantage of my *premium* services as a PROFESSIONAL CHARACTER WITNESS. This limited time offer gives you access to my full range of products offered, including
-stories about how you saved babies/shelter puppies from burning buildings
-heartfelt anecdotes from our youth
-not mentioning all those illegal things that you did
Call within the next 5 minutes and you can get in on this INCREDIBLE OFFER for only 12 easy payments of $9.95 (plus shipping and handling. Federal, state, and municipal taxes are not included. Some restrictions may apply. Product is not available in Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands or Guam.)
Alliteration
J- all ARs accept alliteration as awesome
but bothered brothers begin bashing boring bookmarklets
can cooperation coalesce collective curmudgeoning?
AR- hahaha
don’t dissuade dingbat dissent!
even evasive enterprises eventually end!
funderwhelming factions fight fraud
J- god, good gentlemen gentrify gaping galleries
hating hedonism, he hastily hacks his home’s honor
i’m impressed inside
AR- joking, J jests
J- knowing kids, killing kindness
AR- lamentably, let’s leap left
J- my misses, masterfully maneuvering management
AR- no, nonetheless naysayers never not naysaying
J- offices opine our otiosity
AR- pointless pandering places poor Peteple
J- quick question: Queensboro quiet?
AR- rattling relentlessly
J- surely someone shushes?
AR- tirelessly treading tranquilly they talk
urgently, under useless umbrellas
J- verily, viewing violent virtuosos vacates
AR- why won’t we wobble wealthily?
J- you ‘Yorkers yap yesterday’s yore yonder your years!
AR- zealous, zip zap zuzz
Pronouns
J- I disagree with your friend.
AR- He’s not my friend.
He’s… a dick.
J- I disagree with your dick then.
Vegetables
JO- I mean, vegetables are nice to look at, but they’re not food. They’re like, garnish.
BS- So you just constantly eat meat?
JO- It’s not that I like eating meat. In fact, when I eat meat, I’m eating animals that eat vegetables, so it’s like I’m avenging the vegetables.
J- I guess you have to eat BS [vegan] then.
BS- You want to eat me JO?
JO- …
(earlier)
JO- Whoever makes the best innuendo wins.
The Unfunny Joke
J- I had this thought the other day, isn’t it kind of ironic that the word “adjective” is a noun?
JS- What?
J- You know… like… I feel like we should be calling words “adjective-y” when they describe things, instead of saying that the words are adjectives…
JS- …How is that ironic?
J- uhm… because… you might think that it’s actually an adjective and not a noun.
JS- …
Ok.
Cleaning, part 2
J- how bad was it
SW- Omg I had a panic attack and had to go upstairs.
I had to splash cold water on my face and grow a pair of huge hairy balls before returning to.. it
There were not piles, but MOUNTAINS of dead bugs
Nothing was without cobwebs
omg
it was
awful
just terrible
The King
JO- Why are you shivering randomly like that?
J- Seriously man?…
you’re like the king of random movements.
JO- I know, that’s why I’m upset.
You’re encroaching on my territory.
MNF
AR- yoO
what is MNF?
many nasty farts
J- wow how did you guess
AR- haha I have a knack I guess
gnack?
knack?
J- knack.
AR- hahah right.
wait I was going to keep typing other permutations until you replied
J- oh I do apologize
please continue
AR- hmm I’m thinking of good ones
may never frack
moms nebulous fraud
my negligent fern
mysteriously nuptial fish
J- hmmmm very creative!
AR- haha thenks
J- misanthropic nonplussed fibulators?
AR- hahaha that’s it.
myriad-of nyan-cat fuzz
no… that’s it.
J- yes.
or,
